Prica jednog zavodnika..

All the niggling doubts began to eat away at her. What Father Peter had said, about how homosexuality is a sin and his fear that if she didn’t get off this path, she would burn forever. Her relationship with God was so important to her. It was something that her relationship with Keti had taken a toll on. She hardly saw her church friends anymore. While the freedom and joy that she felt with her lover was magical, if God hates it, then did that mean that God hated her? This feeling, this questioning doubt, it ate away at her. Keti was not immune to the fact that her girlfriend was feeling conflicted. There were these little looks, these little moments where she felt like Mili wasn’t telling her something. When she would ask, she would get brushed off. Did she not trust her anymore? The feeling of her holding things back and lying to her about something being wrong was infecting their relationship. Nowhere was this more apparent than in the slow dilution of their intimacy. The two girls hadn’t had sex in weeks. When Keti would kiss her, it would always be stopped before things got too heavy. This constant holding back of intimacy, after how amazing their nights had been together on the school trip, it just made things harder for her. The young wannabe punk rocker felt like she had done something wrong. Did she make a mistake when they finally did the deed? That couldn’t be it. Jean had been so happy and their love-making was so passionate when they had their talk on the trip. For a month, their closeness was so wonderful, it felt like they were going to be able to get serious. They talked about moving in together after Mili got out of basic. So what was it?! The lack of certainty was driving her insane, and she didn’t know what to do about it. If something didn’t give soon, she knew that it was going to get ugly. The building pressure cooker came to a head one night when the two were at Keti’s place. Her parents were on a business trip, so the two girls took the time to enjoy having some privacy. After getting some takeout from Peking, they watched Airplane! and had a blast. It was so damn funny. Stupid, but funny. It’s like, the jokes are dumb, and you laugh at how dumb they are and how much it makes you amused to laugh at something so ridiculous. Movies like this just aren’t made anymore. Mili was able to enjoy herself. The doubts floated away as she was savoring the food and the closeness. Despite the doubts in her mind, her body was loving being able to be so close with the person she loved. When Keti took her hand and kissed it, the smile on her face was genuine. How could someone who put on such a nihilistic and detached front be so warm and caring? How did she get lucky enough for such a person to want her in her life? When the food was done, they cuddled up and watched the film. Mili laid her head in her lover’s chest, feeling a food coma potentially overtaking her. Her lover leaned her head down and kissed her. It felt so good. Hormones started to react in all the right ways. Her body was responding to the kiss. Seemed Keti had the same idea. They kissed more and more, their hands moving cross the other’s body. Her lover’s hands went aroundo her tummy, clearly eager to go further. One hand went down her PJ pants and squeezed tight around her ass. Despite herself, Jean let out a moan. This woman didn’t have any qualms about taking initiative. Though, after months of being afraid to push things because of how scared Jean was of sex, it felt good to know that now she was comfortable enough to let that side of her back out. For the longest time, the lack of fear that Quinn showed had been a source of strength. As is to force herself to be equally bold, she reached up the tattooed girl’s shirt, running her fingers along her bra. Her body wanted this. Badly. There was a throbbing ache between her legs as her lover stopped stroking her ass and leaned her back onto the couch. In one motion, her shirt was off, exposing that scar that ran down her chest and stomach that Jean found so entrancing. The black cat tattoo on her arm was exposed as well. She was so brave. Fearless, in every sense of the word. Nothing like her, who was so afraid of body and so many other things. How had a girl this amazing come into her life? With the bass player on top of her, she couldn’t get her own shirt off. Keti shifted position to give her the range of motion to get it off. As always, every time her breasts were exposed, the punk gave this look of hunger. It was no secret that one of the things that turned her on was how busty her lover is. Being so flat-chested had always been hard for Keti The irony being that Mili would give anything to trade cup sizes with her, given all the problems it caused. Not even bothering to see if she could get the bra undone with her partner flat on her back, she just pulled up on it and let her mouth savor the soft flesh. That’s when it happened. In an instant, Jean felt the fear come back. The doubt. The image of her father saying the things he did about her uncle and how being gay made him sick. Father Peter telling her she isn’t welcome at the church anymore. Her body was pleading with her to push past it. It was aching for more. But her brain just wasn’t letting it go. Tears started running down her face. God hated her. Why would he hate her for being with someone she loved? Why would he care about this?! Was she now questioning his holy words? All the mixed up emotions and genuine existential terror at the idea that she might be questioning the truth of the Bible battered away at her until she couldn’t handle it anymore. Keti was kissing down her stomach, moving to pull down her pj pants, when Jean pushed up on her head. “Wait! Keti wait! Stop! Please! The look on her face was complete disbelief. “Why?! What did I do?!” Why?! What did I do?!” If there was guilt before, now it was in overdrive. She’s blaming herself! The tears started flowing faster. “I…I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry.” She grabbed her shirt and sat up. “I gotta go.” Quinn sat there, confused and frustrated. Her hands clenched into fists. The anger grew until she couldn’t contain. “No! Fuck that! What is wrong with you?! Every goddamn time we are getting hot and heavy, you do this!” She was so angry that she started to cry, which in turn made her even angrier. “Clearly it isn’t you not wanting to have sex with me anymore, because you sure were into it for a hot minute there. So what is it?! I think I deserve a goddamn answer! And you know what, if you don’t give me one, right here, right now, then it’s over. I can’t keep doing this, Jean! I love you. I do. But this ‘will she, won’t she’ is sucking the life out of me. We’ve been going out for a year. I want to come out and tell people. But ever since I brought that up, you have been getting hella distant. So what is it?!” The cold truth that she could see was a bitter pill to swallow, but she had to know. “Are you ashamed to be with me?!” The weight of what had just been said to her nearly made Jean collapse. It had finally come to this. Given the stress points between the two, this was inevitable, but she still didn’t want to believe it. Quinn…I…” She knew, once the words left her mouth, there was no taking them back. “I’m not strong enough for this. I’m not you. I can’t keep going with this. I love you. More than you could ever know. The idea of not being with you, I can’t breathe! But everyone around me hates the gay community. The Bible teaches that sex with another girl is wrong. My faith is everything to me, Quinn. Without it, I would have killed myself years ago. If it’s true, and God hates what we’re doing, then I’d have to turn my back on him.” Her face went into her hands. “I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. All I want is for it all to make sense. For someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. I’m alone in this. You never even try to understand how important my faith is to me. I can’t talk to my parents. Father Michael says that gays all burn in Hell.” She started bawling. Quinn sank to the floor. This hurt. It was awful, and she had no idea what she could possibly say. “I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I’m so freaking scared, all the time. Scared that my family will find out and disown me. Scared that you will tell me you hate me because I’ve turned my back on you. Scared that God will stop loving me because of the way I feel. I can’t do this anymore. Something’s gotta give here, and…” Her lover’s eyes closed. Don’t say it. It’s gotta be you. I understand if you hate me. I hate myself right now. But I can’t keep doing this.” Her eyes opened and all she saw was the look on the face of her broken lover, no expression at all on her face. Just a look like she was checked out. “Someday you’ll find somebody who can give you the love you need. I’m sorry, Quinn. I’m sorry…” In a hurry, she threw on her shoes and ran out. The wannabe punk rocker just sat there, then got up. She knew what she had to do. It was time to put her fate in Jean’s precious God’s hands. The closet door opened and the light came on. Her parents thought they were so clever, putting this in the closet, but she knew where it was the whole time. Given how tall she was, it was easy to reach, too. She pulled the box down and opened it. Under a black dish towel, there was a snub-nosed .38 revolver. Opening up the action, she took all the bullets out. There were five chambers in all. She put in three bullets. So, she had a three in five chance of death tonight. Wanting to feel like a badass cowgirl, she spun the action before snapping it back into place. Her thumb pulled the hammer back. “Alright, Jean’s precious God. It’s all on you, asshole. If I live, then I’m done with this town. I’m getting in my truck and I’m never coming back. I die, then that’s it. Get to come tell you what a worthless sack of shit you are to your face.” She put the barrel against her temple. “Let’s see what you are made of.” Her finger squeezed the trigger. She walked out of the house, with a large duffel bag and her bass slung over her shoulders. One last look, as she walked away from the parents who would be more annoyed that she didn’t water the plants than the fact that she actually left. It would be a very, very long drive to Denver, but it was about as good a place as any to get a new start. Find a new band to join. Hopefully the guys here didn’t take it too hard. She had texted Mickey and told him what happened. No response. Probably laying pipe in his girlfriend. Lucky bastard. Starting the motor, she knew that she would never be coming back here again. Something told her that this was it. No steps back, just moving forward. Looking up at the sky, she snorted. “Well, that’s what I promised, ain’t that right, big guy?” The truck backed out, and then began the long drive south.